you're thinking about yourself too much

the sinister side of self-awareness

Last week, I met two friends for coffee who live in my old neighbourhood. In addition to our friendship, there’s something else that connects us: at various times, we have all seen the same therapist. This came about in a muddled way over many years; I found A (let’s go by her initial for her privacy) when I was twenty-one, and when I moved too far to keep seeing her, I recommended her to my friend, who started seeing her too — who then recommended her to our other friend when she became a local.

Our shared therapist really helped me when we worked together, and I still think about that time fondly. The girls who still see her feel the same, and we exchanged funny stories about the times she gently called us out on our bullshit over our flat whites. It brought to light something I hadn’t realised before: A was a good therapist because she challenged me. She didn’t spoon-feed me comfortable narratives that absolved me of responsibility. She wanted her clients to grow, and sometimes that meant checking the language we used or how we talked about other people. There’s a time and place for validation, but she understood that being checked can be of equal value and possibly the gateway to a happier, easier life.

In November 2022, an Instagram story from actor Jemima Kirke gained traction when she responded to a follower asking for advice for unconfident young women saying, “I think you guys might be thinking about yourselves too much.” While somewhat tongue-in-cheek, there’s a brutal honesty in there. When I actually thought about it, I realised how true it rang for me.