your personality is not set in stone

the most important lesson I learned this year

Every time I think about quitting Twitter/X, my algorithm serves up a golden nugget I instantly bookmark, persuading me it’s worth sifting through the hyperbolic noise for another two weeks as another one is surely in the post. This week, I came across an unsourced paragraph that really resonated, perhaps because it felt reflective of the perspective shift I’ve experienced this year.

You don’t know anyone at the party, so you don’t want to go. You don’t like cottage cheese, so you haven’t eaten it in years. This is your choice, of course, but don’t kid yourself: it’s also the flinch. Your personality is not set in stone… you can change what you want about yourself at any time.

I spent four years reacting. I went to events when I was invited, went on holidays other people organised, did what other people suggested. I didn’t rock the boat. I was very responsive. I don’t know if I was exhausted by adulthood or held back by fear, but I behaved like a deer in headlights. I used to define myself by what I couldn’t do. I am simply bad at some things, and that’s how it is. Even in the identity crisis of my early twenties, I had a strong idea of the things I did not like, coupled with a distinct fear of taking risks. I know some people think throwing myself into content creation as a career was risky, but having watched multiple friends make a success of it and sketching out a roadmap for me in the years prior, it felt like a low-risk decision at the time. I was chronically risk-averse, an underscore on my identity.

When I quit drinking three years ago, I became more proactive. I booked trips I wanted to go on, tried new hobbies, decorated the flat. Quitting was the first shift; I had more energy to channel into things I actually wanted to do. I developed a deep fear of my twenties all blurring into the same, long year without any distinguishing moments. The same parties, staying in London month on month, my career never evolving. The fear had switched from a fear of doing anything to a fear of doing nothing.

This month marks one year since my dad had his stroke. Something about the incident, the months in and out of hospital, once again altered how I saw things. It felt like I was frozen in the air after jumping off the diving board but before hitting the water. Even when I was being more proactive, I was governed by all these ideas about myself. The times I had surpassed my own expectations didn’t feel real. I quit biting my nails but I still saw myself as a nail biter. I always said I was going to learn to drive, but secretly I didn’t believe I could, so never booked a lesson. The things I was being proactive about reaffirmed who I saw myself as — I guess they were a kind of self-actualising exercise; but they didn’t challenge that perception.

I don’t understand what happened in my brain when my dad got sick, but this year, I started challenging myself.

In the past twelve months, I discovered I like pineapple — I hadn’t eaten it in years as it made my mouth itchy once. With a lot of encouragement from my boyfriend, I tried running again. I have always hated running, but had secretly been envious of people who do it, and I have an ego too big to try Couch To 5k. Last week I ran my first 5k. I passed my driving test. I started writing songs again in spite of my vicious internal narrative about having missed the boat on that creative path, and now I’m writing every week, my songs are getting better and I just got my first mix back. I can just be a songwriter. There were, and still are, lots of things I think form the foundations of my personality. But they’re no longer set in stone.

All the ideas I had about who I am are gradually evaporating. I am learning to see my identity as ever-evolving. I am allowed to change; in fact, I benefit when I push myself to try. If I don’t like the outcome, that’s great! It just reaffirms my initial preference. I don’t want to become trapped in ideas I formed about myself fifteen years ago. As the Twitter quote says: your personality is not set in stone. I’m ready to hit the water.

---

Thanks so much for reading! This is my little Substack journal for works in progress ♥️ I’d love it if you subscribed — you can find me on YouTube and Instagram too. Let me know your thoughts in the comments and join the members’ community to continue the discussion!